“Grief is such a lonely thing. There is no one in it with you. Others may grieve for the same soul, but they do not grieve exactly for what you also grieve. No one has lost precisely what you have lost. Not exactly. Never exactly. We are in it alone.”

I spent a lot of time holding on to the person I was before my father passed away. It took me over twenty years to love her and I wasn’t ready to let her go. That girl was happy. She knew what she wanted out of her life and she knew how to get it. She might not have been the perfect wife or mother, but her family never had to question whether her love was genuine or fake. It took a lot of growth for me to become that girl and when my grief wanted to change me into a different person – I wouldn’t let it.

This has been a tough year for me.

It’s been a lonely year.

Just when I thought I was finally moving forward and pushing past the tough years I was triggered. All the emotions I learned to live with came to the surface and it felt as if I was drowning all over again. But this time my grief has hit me differently.

I’ve allowed myself to feel.

I sit with my grief every single day.

When I get mad about the time I wasted not speaking to my father.. I let myself be angry all over again. When I hear my kids wish they had him as a grandfather to play catch with.. I let myself be sad.

This has caused me to become really distant from my family and friends. And if any of them happens to stumble across this post – I hope you know that I love you and I’m sorry.. And I’m trying. To be honest, most days I feel distant even from myself. I don’t feel like me. I can feel myself growing into someone I don’t know and it’s scary.

Allowing myself to get lost has also helped me start to find me again, though. It’s not who I thought I’d ever be but I’m starting to accept that it’s the person I need to be.

.. And after three years? I guess this is all that I could hope for.

Grief is such a funny thing, isn’t it? Just a few days ago thanks to Facebook memories my father’s post wishing me a happy mother’s day popped up. I really wish I could have forgiven him before he was gone.. But hopefully a year from now I’ll be closer to forgiving myself. ❤

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